jaanus_lallu (jaanus_lallu) wrote in transletters,

Coming out

I am writing here because i have an almost nonexistent trans support system. While most of the people i hang around with know i am trans, they behave with me as male and the fact that i was assigned female at birth has not bothered them. I am also at blame for putting up a front. I have never wanted to be judged as trans but only as male. The only people i talk to is one friend and my partner. Both of which have their own problems currently. The only other person i talk to about my feelings is my mother. Unfortunately this is regarding her and i need a perspective from people i hope will understand.

On Wednesday, after 5 years of being out to myself as trans, i was prescribed T. I was so excited i came home and paid for and ordered the Testosterone immediately. Because i live with my brother and his wife. I felt it was about time i told them since they will be the first to see the changes.

I told him in person. Said there was something i had to tell him and tried to be as clear as possible. He was shocked and reacted well but not the best. He admitted he found it hard to come to terms with and explained that it took him years to accept that i was with a female partner. He said he will try but does not understand why i would have to go through this since i am already living socially as male. He assumed that i would be happy dressing and behaving as a boy while legally still being female. However, he was willing to listen and said he will work at understanding.

But above how he felt, my brother was worried about everyone else. He wanted to know how i expect to tell my parents, my uncles and aunts and my cousins. We are and extremely close family and these people mean the world to me. He told me he felt it was best i put of the hormones until i told my parents as they would probably take things better. He also said that he felt it would be the death of his sister and wanted me to tell them but give them about a year or at least a few months to get over the shock before starting.

I've waited years.... The only reason i've waited this long is because i be in a stable position in life. Their happiness does matter to me. But the hormones are on their way in the mail... How can i put it off any longer. How will i tell my mother. My brother himself is sure that my mother will have a nervous breakdown and probably disown me. He said even if she does come around it will take her at least 5 years... I told him i did not want to tell her till i go back to home for a vacation this December. Because i don’t want my vacation to be full of fights and tears. Yet i feel like i have to tell her something before i go. So i wrote this letter. I write letters like this to my mum all the time. but they usually involve other things. I have never spoken to her about me being trans ever.

How is your flu today? Hope you are feeling better. I’m having a down day myself today. Nothing physical just mental I suppose. I just feel so miserable and anxious over the outcomes of life. Sounds overdramatic I realize, but it’s something I have to deal with.
I’m going to book my flight to Singapore for December and was wondering if you’d be alright if I use the money in my savings right now. I have 1100 in there. I want this holiday to be good. I fear that It’ll be a long time before it happens again or it may even never happen again. I am so scared amma of losing my family. Yet I feel like it’s inevitable. I fight daily with my happiness over theirs. While it seems most sensible to choose myself since I have to live only with myself. I don’t see the point of being happy when there is no one there to share my joy.
When I come back I want to sit and have long talks with perima, I want to have dinner with sithi and sithappa. Go to raji sithi’s house for dinner and sit and talk to her about how I feel. I want to be the only cousin who entertains Nikhil. To go out with Vicnan cause he trusts me. I want mano perima to cook me prawn sambal and sit and joke about things with Priscilla akka and jothi. I love my family and miss them so much. I know they love me too.. I just wonder if they even know me. My fear of losing them has driven me to be someone infront of them they will like. I wonder if they know who I am….
I am so afraid of what will happen when I choose my own happiness knowing that you will not be able to accept it, which is why I’m so afraid of the future and pray that things don’t change.
Do you remember the other time at the lion vinayagar temple? When I had a break down and I told you I hated god. I wondered to myself than why he had to put me through this. Why couldn’t I have been normal. Why did he had to put me a body I felt so unhappy in. So much so that I ruined the happiness of everyone around me trying to feel like I belong. Yet I will never belong.
It’s a never ending struggle amma. Between my own life and the people who make up my life. Sometimes I reach a point where I don’t see the point anymore. I feel like it’s a choice I cannot make and sometimes I feel like choosing not to live.
Yet every time I think to myself why god put me in this position, I also realize if he didn’t I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be as strong as I am. I break down more than a lot of people. But a lot of people have not been put in the position I have. I take comfort in knowing most people would not have survived my situation. And I have.
How much more do I have to struggle before I reach a place I can be satisfied. The way I see things right now I will never see that place. So I still fight and cry and question the need, the use of going on.
The reason I write to you now is because over the last year I have found that above anyone else I am closest to you. When I am upset stressed or bothered about anything I feel an immediate urge to call and tell you. If I don’t, I feel shut down and isolated. How than do you expect me to risk losing you. I just had to get this off my chest to someone. And I chose you.

Thank You

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